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« RIP Brett Anderson | Main | 4 Days as a Single Dad »

My Daughter Has Maggots

Well, actually they’re weevils. Acorn weevils to be exact. But we didn’t know those fuckers were weevils, we thought they were maggots. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I’d just finished my tour of duty as single dad for 4 days and with chest fully inflated was about to head off to earn another paycheck. The wife got home late, tired, distraught, emotionally exhausted and was waking to herd the kids off to school. The little nippers were stretching, peeing, brushing, screaming, crying, and stating what they would not do. And then I heard it…

“Honey get in here!!!!”

So many thoughts run through my mind – she’s fallen and can’t get up, she found my box of porn, my daughter’s got the dreaded pukes, her fucking fish died again..... I slowly walk in and in front of her is my daughter’s “acorn collection”—a laundry basket half-way filled with a shit-ton of acorns.

“It’s Macy’s acorn collection and it’s out of freakin’ control. So what?”

“No – come here and look!” she says.

I walk closer and within the cute, harmless acorn collection are tons of what look like—white maggots.

I’m all – “WTF?!!” And she’s all “OMG.” Meanwhile the daughter can’t see what’s in there and is screaming that we can’t throw away her precious horded acorns! There were hundreds of the little bastards….on her floor, in her carpet, and who knows where else… the cat? In her hair? In her bed? IN HER BARBIES??!!!!!

OK – put on your science hats cause here comes your lesson!

What we experienced this morning was the little known and completely misunderstood acorn weevil larva. See – a small, brown-colored adult acorn weevil looks like a beetle. This daughter-of-a-bitch takes her long anteater like snout, burrows a hole in an acorn, and lays its larva. This maggot-looking larva lunches on the interior acorn nut all summer. Then, as Fall arrives, the bastard chews a perfectly round 1/8-inch hole in the side of the nut, crawls out, burrows itself into the ground, hangs out for one to two years and the Houdini-wanna-be emerges as an adult acorn weevil where it then finds acorns to start the process all over again.

And here’s another little known fact. Squirrels can tell if there’s an acorn weevil larva in a nut just by simply picking it up.

I’m absolutely convinced Mother Nature created these things simply to fuck with parents of small children. I mean, the weevil’s entire life centers around the laying of larva that emerges looking like a maggot. And, if he’s lucky enough to emerge and find himself in a cozy, pink bedroom with parents starring and children screaming – then he’s considered a rock star and dies a quick, famous rock star death. If not - then he just burrows in the ground to try his luck again two years later.

So – I write this to educate my fellow parental brethren. Go forth…spread the word and end this plague on the sanity’s of our kind. Ban acorns from your house and make sure no other acorn weevil larva is ever considered a rock star again!!!

Oh – and to end the story – the larva are harmless to furniture, carpets, people, etc.. When they can’t burrow into the ground they just lay there, wiggle harmlessly and die. You just sweep them up and you’re finished and can go try and drink the memory of the event away.

 The End

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Reader Comments (18)

Totally gross and duly noted. My daughter is a collector of acorns and leaves. I now have an official reason to ban them! Thanks!

September 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeslee Horner

ewwww! and gross! and thanks for the science lesson!

September 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertracy

Oh shit, slap me and call me Suzy, that was HELLA nasty. <<<Yes, I said HELLA.


September 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVentiVixen

Thanks was gross and I had to share the love... hope it saves a family some day..just doing my good for the world, one post at a time

September 23, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

Ewwwww. That is just nasty. WTF does nature screw with up this way? Seriously though, ewww.

September 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

SO if you give a kid an acorn, chances are she's gonna need a squirrel to go with it.

September 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKBnB

That is a damn good question Megan.

KBnB - that is fucking hilarious...I love those books and I'm kicking myself for having not thought of that. You're're good.

September 24, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

LOL....My science class taught us about that in elemetary school, because we had a lot of acorn trees around the school and they didn't want them in the building. The ones laying on the ground, are usually the ones that squirrels won't eat i.e. probably contain weevils. Squirrels around here typically only eat the ones still in the trees. We are LOADED with acorns in Northeast PA.

September 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

MamaBennie.....consider you one of the lucky few to have been blessed with that knowledge. And you retained the information which means you get extra kudos. Wish someone had told me about nasty...

September 24, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

Dude. First of all, I dry heaved on the train today, reading this. Second of all, found your blog on Twitter today. Brilliant shit. I'll be back. There's no third of all. Rock on!

September 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

Out-Numbered...let me start by saying just reading your name made me shit myself. Now that I'm cleaned up - thanks brother. Glad you liked my ramblings. And let me add that you're rock, too. My wifey is about to go to work too and I'm shaking in my skibbies wondering what the hell kinda impact that's gonna have on a brother.

September 24, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

Just wanted to say that I've been following your blog for a while now.
Nothing short of brilliant. You're posts are absolutely wonderful, and brilliantly funny.
The first time I read you posts... I nearly pee'd my pants. Seriously.... not even kidding. LOL
I have my own blog as well... and have you're link on my page.
Keep up the great work.
The blogging world is a better place with you in it.
and my deepest sympathy for you're wife's cousin and dear friend.

September 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichele


September 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersteve

Wow - thanks Michele!!!! That's so freakin' awesome. I'm glad you're digging this crazy thing. Not sure where I'm going with it, but it's kind of fun. Thanks for making my day!!

Stevieb......can't wait to hang soon my man. Thanks for the comment.

September 25, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

Its almost like the acorn is being violated.

September 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersteve

omg. suddenly i can't stop itching. G-to the-ROSS.

thank fucking gawd we don't have any acorns in phoenix.

we do have scorpions though.


October 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteryoga ninja mama

yoga ninja mama - yeah, you should have seen them in person...that was foul!!!!

October 28, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

Your post is very funny because it was extremely close to my wife goes away for 4 days with friends and leaves me with our one year old daughter. I make sure the house is extra clean for her return which was this past Monday. The night she returns she tells me to come to the kitchen and points out there are 5 maggots on the floor. I'm like WTF?? We clean up and assume it is a one time thing. Today we find 4 more all in different places in the kitchen. We tear the kitchen apart...
The kitchen is cleaned spotless but i can't rest where are they coming from? I do a search on maggots and find your post...i'm like my maggots look a lot like your Weevils but i don't have acorns. But my wife did buy chestnuts to roast for a bday party for the kids...i had to go in the garage for the chestnuts because in the massive clean up everything was thrown out. And there in my pile of chestnuts were the exact same exit holes that you had on your acorns. I cut a few chestnuts open and I found the weevils inside the nuts...mystery solved. Though i will NEVER eat a chestnut!
The farmers market we bought the chestnuts from said chestnuts last forever so use them later if we don't use them for the party. What a mess that would have been if we kept them.
Thanks for the post my wife and I can now sleep tonight!

October 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDan J

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