My Kid's Gotta Big Schtick
Thursday, December 17, 2009 at 7:46AM My kid throws himself on the ground on purpose and it makes me wanna kick kittens.
Phew.... There, I said it. But damn it I don’t feel better. Not at all.
Everywhere we go the boy HAS to take his entire body and just throw it to the ground. Walking down Chicago streets – BAM. Grocery shopping – BAM. Walking out of his school – BAM. Watching Emeril Lagasse on TV – BAM.
It’s as annoying as listening to Miss Teen South Carolina 2007, Lauren Caitlin try to order cheese fries at a drive through with her window up.
For a while I thought it was a tick. I thought he might have inherited my Tourettes. I’ve also wondered if maybe this was the beginning of some kind of insane fetish that would blossom into having to hide anything covered in leather or that has zippers.
Then, I picked him up from school yesterday. And being the deadbeat, outta work dad that I am, I was late. As I walked up to the school yard he was standing with three other kids talking and then he threw himself to the ground. Then just as I was about to throw a park bench through a school bus, I noticed all the kids were dying laughing. Ten seconds later he was on the ground again—more laughter.
How the hell did I miss this? This was his shtick. This little budding hack comedian has developed his first shtick and has been trying it out in downtown Chicago, grocery shoppers, school mates, and Emeril Lagasse. BAM!
I walked up, told the little dude to gather his things, ogled a few of the moms, made note that the boy had just ripped a hole in his band new jacket from his physical comedy routine, and headed home. I was so conflicted.
I spent my entire life doing stupid shit to try and get people to like me. I wore only a red thong in the middle of a dorm party. I shaved a line down the middle of my chest at a wedding reception. I put two pairs of tube socks down my pants as a teenager and went into convenient stores to buy beer. I stole random bras from dryers in college and wore them in public. I was an I-D-I-O-T. Actually…the wifey would argue that I still am.
But regardless, the boy was just reacting to the really distorted genes I’d infected his body with. He was trying to be the class clown. He was trying to make sure everyone liked him. The beginning stages of the dreaded two words, “people pleaser.”
Go ahead….Google it…you’ll find a picture of me standing in a room filled with people with a big stupid grin on my face agreeing with everyone and making sure nothing controversial comes out of my mouth so that at the end of the day everyone’s thinks, “that big-eared gap-toothed idiot-boy we met today was really just a swell guy!”
So now I begin the process of trying to establish a balance for the little guy. A balance between allowing him to continue being unique, original, and true to his personality vs. showing up to school in his father’s red thong and nothing else while agreeing with what everyone says and does because he’s afraid of having even one single person not like him.
Just another item in the growing list of challenges that is parenthood. BAM!
Reader Comments (13)
you want some of me in mortal?
I almost spilled my drink everywhere on this one! I can just picture you son doing this everywhere! Ahh the memories of being young! Awesome writing dude!
Love this post, I think it's one of my favorites. Plus, you know. You're in a bra so that boosts it way up to the top of the list.
My son does the run and slide routine like he's Patrick Swayze sliding up to Baby on the stage. Not a single pair of his pants exists without a giant rip in one of the knees.
Ah hell. My kid is taking after me too. Now I am a role model. Damnit. Loved the pics btw. And the new format. Dear god beauty queens are stupid. It hurt to watch that video.
Just wait until he's in college! Kids do the darndest things!
Dude, he totally learned it from you. How many freaking times did you walk down the hall and fall in front of someone's door being stupid? At least twice a day.
I'm going to require a picture of the red thong and please don't pretend you don't still stuff tube socks in there and do..well...everything. Nice job daddy.
That stripe down your chest? Awesome . . .
Um. I totally deserve a picture of you in nothing but a red thong. It's only fair.
WOW! This is pure genius. I especially like the last picture with the happy face over your ass. I am sure he will turn out just fine in the end, cuz he has a kick ass daddy.
Dear God I am never coming to your website while I'm eating again, lmfao.
Thanks for not showing us the whole thong picture.
My oldest throws himself on the floor all of the time. Not for a laugh...just because. It annoys the hell outta me! However the most interesting thing was the pic of you in a bikini top! Better then what I got in HS!