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My Son the Ninja Wedgie Master

The wedgie….it’s played so many rolls in my life over the years.

Most recently my son is obsessed with giving the daughter a wedgie when he rough-houses with her. It’s origins are beyond me. When I was in first grade I can promise you giving someone a wedgie was not even on my radar. I think I was more worried about whether I had the most bad-ass lunch box in the cafeteria or not, and if I would get called on to read allowed in class that day.

But I walk in the room yesterday and find my son standing on the couch while holding the back of my daughter’s pants which is now halfway up her ass – and they’re BOTH laughing like hell.

Earlier in the week I’m playing Mario Kart with the little bastard and I’m getting so entranced by the world of Wii, that I didn’t even notice the boy had put his remote down and snuck behind me. Seconds later I’m wearing half my boxer-briefs up my ass.

Instead of making him use his toothbrush to clean my skibbies, I sit him down and explain how he could really hurt someone by hoisting their entire body in the air by tiny shreds of cloth slicing through their poop-shooter. He laughed during my entire speech.

When I was in middle school there was a ritual that the eighth graders would go after the sixth and seventh graders on the soccer team and give them wedgies in the locker room or out on the field. I ran like a little bitch that day….through woods, jumping benches, even down to the parking lot where parents were waiting to pick up the very kids that eventually showed me that in fact your tighty-whities can stretch from your ass to the top of your head.

But even then – I was 11 years old – not 7!!

Wedgies can be alluring in so many ways. Thongs….love em. Panty lines revealing a hidden wedgie problem underneath…perfect. Bathing suit creeping up the wrong way….I’m looking. Whale tail revealing itself…I’m thanking the lord. My son hanging his sister by her underwear….not cool my man, not freakin’ cool.

But then I over-think it like I do EVERYTHING, and I’m all: “holy shit – is my kid gonna be a bully?’

 I mean, I wasn’t a bully growing up. I was too focused on trying to make everyone like me. I was the class-clown, usually at my own expense. So where is he learning this crap and who’s ass do I have to kick?

But then I watch him more closely with other kids, at his school, in his class, around the neighborhood….and he’s just like me. He throws himself to the ground constantly getting kids to laugh at him. He makes farting noises with his tongue cause the kids laugh. And he shows his teachers pictures of me naked because they’ll give him an A on tests if he promises to just STOP.

He’s a good dude, he’s just learned that lifting his sister up by her Hello Kitty panties makes her laugh. And now he knows, when he does it to daddy, you get threatened with having a Wii control shoved up your nose.

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Reader Comments (12)

I confess: I give more wedgies than I ever received. Especially to my kids. I'm old. Most of them are bigger than me. So it's the only way I win anymore . . .

November 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertysdaddy

Hahahahahaha this post was so awesome, it totally made my Monday start out great. I grew up with two older brothers and neither of them ever gave me wedgies! But they did make me ride in a laundry basket down the stairs...I think I would have rather had the wedgies.

November 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCrazysahm

I have only given one wedgie in my life. Managed to put the waistband of the kids underwear on his chin, over his face. I figured I mastered it at that point and stopped.

November 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJames Fritz

Wedgies in our house are a common practice since kids do to their underwear what mom's knickers do all the time. We have "in your bum" knickers (thongs) and "out your bum" knickers (briefs). Hubby does not cope with this frivolity well; in fact he suffers complete sense of humour failure. So far no harm has been done to anyone, unless you count an excess of laughter! And our Wii control is safely in the cabinet, rather than up someone's nostril ... but if hubby ever gets got, I can see that situation being summarily reversed!!

November 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJabulani

I'm relieved to say that I've neither given nor received a wedgie throughout the whole of my life and that so far, they're an alien presence in our hosue.

November 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDad Who Writes

Great Post dude!! Ahh the wedgie, as an only child I never got to inflict the pain or receive the toment from any sibling. SUCKS!! I did receive from many "a friend" and dish them out too. Which got me into the odd school field brawl. There was a time we ripped a pair of tighty whites right off a kid.... maybe I should blog that!!!

November 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteravionicsman

Oh man. Poor Mack.

November 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

I never heard so much about wedging until I fell in love with a man with two older brothers.

November 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLindsayDianne

Being a girl and an only child, wedgies were something that I never had to endure. There were, of course, plenty of other types of humiliation thrown my way but.......that's another post. I say, as long as there are no tears and he's not overly vigorous in his underwear pulling, you should just let them enjoy themselves. I'd rather hear my kids giggling while getting into a bit of mischief than hear the yelling and tears of another fight.

November 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKat

My son is 5 and loving the wedgies right now as well so I relate. He gets his sister's unders mid- back and she's still giggling.

Whale tail...that's my favourite. Never heard it called that before - too funny.

December 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKathy


July 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

i give and get
my friends are crazy

August 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter...

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