If I Put a Dirty Mag Under the Pillow Can I Get Sex?

Yeah – that’s the question roaming my distorted mind this week after my wife grew a wild hair, fertilized by none other than our dear friend Mom-O-Matic. My 6-year-old and her 6-year-old spent some time together this week. My boy learned that his buddy put on his Curious George hat and put a shark’s tooth under his pillow to see what would happen.

Well – Mom-O-Matic is the smartass of all smartasses. Her kid woke up the next morning with a can of tuna fish under his pillow. Fucking genius right?!

So what does my wife do? Oh – she tries to one-up that shit. My son puts a shark’s tooth under his pillow. Puts his sweet little red-headed melon on his night-time soft cushion and hits the dream world hard. Meanwhile, I slip downstairs to obsess about how incredibly slow my Twitter followers are growing, while the wife sneaks out the back to hop in the car and go buy…..fucking fish.

 

We have four humans in this house, one cat, and one bathroom. That’s 4 asses to be wiped, one litter box, and 5 mouths to feed. But we need more?!! And…and…and!!!!!!! Anyone with 2 or more kids knows – you can’t provide for one, without providing for the other.

Long story short – son wakes up – thinks he’s seen the second coming of Jesus, daughter says… “awwww – I should have put a shark’s tooth under my pillow.” And then does so that night. Wife runs out on night two – buys fish tank and fish…but this time (here’s where she can’t fucking help but one-up) – she buys a much more pimped-out fish tank than the boy has. Yeah…I know…you’re saying the same damn thing I said – “are you on crack woman? Grayson’s gonna produce a shit-storm in the morning when he sees Macy’s chromed-out fish tank!”

Our daughter woke up to a gold fish in a large flower vase filled with clean water.

I guess the moral of this whole story and why I’m bothering you with its contents is to announce I am effectively today, starting a test…..or to seem more scientific – an experiment. Tonight I will start easy and place a Playboy under my pillow. The next night – a blow-up doll. And I’ll go from there. God-willing…I will experience the same joyous, wonderful, and mind-numbing experiences my adorable children experienced. If not....well…..well I guess there’s always the interweb machine.