The other day my good friend Stacey (@IEatMyKidzSnack on Twitter and the author of THIS funny-as-hell blog) and I got into one of our fantasy wars.
If you haven’t seen them before they kinda go a little bit like this.
Well this recent battle was about how awful we thought the other person would be as a contestant on The Bachelor.
That led to an email from Stacey to me which said, “I’m filling out the official Bachelor submission questionnaire for your right now.”
I responded, “If you do, I’ll post it as my first guest blog ever.”
And well…here it is.
I hope you laugh as much as my gap-toothed dumb-ass did.
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A Guest Blog Post By Stacey "Lady of the House"
After a recent “I fantasize” tweet battle with my good friend, WhyIsDaddyCrying I decided to see what would happen if he wasn’t a happily married father of two and actually applied to be the next Bachelor.
THE BACHELOR QUESTIONNAIRE
Name: Don’t you know who I am? I’m @whyisdaddycryin on Twitter.
How did you hear about our search? Are you kidding? Ever since I was a boy I’ve dreamed of being surrounded by hot chicks with daddy issues desperate to hang out in a hot tub with me and compete for a crack at ALL this:
Occupation: I’m a vegetarian and a blogger. Plus I started a movement called “Pants Optional Friday” where I advocate no one wears pants on Fridays. Frankly, this would work to my advantage at those Rose Ceremonies. Maybe change my line to, “Ladies, will you accept my balls?”
Annual salary: Let’s just say, I like a nice Sizzler salad bar once a quarter and even though I’m a vegetarian, I roll my own sushi.
What is your highest level of education? Yes.
Are you a legal resident of the United States? Yup, unless there’s a place where hookers & weed are legal. What? Where? I’d like to change my answer.
Where did you grow up? I grew up in North (hick) North Carol (hick) North Carolina. Sorry, I have a case of the hickups.
*No offense to anyone from North Carolina. I just like to get daddy’s goat. Since he probably fucked it while growing up in North Carolina.
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type? Does an inmate shit in his cell? There may have been one time. What? I read dolphins love human contact.
Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you? Please give details and dates: Yes, but it was terminated when Mr. Coleman passed away.
Have you ever been a performer, participant or contestant on television, radio or in film? Does really amateur porn count?
Do you drink alcoholic beverages? Yes, yes I do. Let me take you through what a “one on one date” would look like. First I’d have a cocktail while putting on my makeup getting ready to go out.
Next I’d do 5 or 6 shots of Jaeger in the limo all the while trying to fit my massive head out the top so I could yell “I’m The Motha Fuckin’ Bachelor bitches.” I’d spend the next several hours alternating between wine and Maker’s Mark and Sprite.
While eating annoying things like hummus and sprouts I’d talk incessantly about the weather and high cost of oil. I’d end the night by stroking my date’s hair, fumbling with her bra and vomiting into the hot tub. The same applies for a “group date” with the addition of trying to milk each girl like she was a dairy cow.
** This was the part of the application where they asked for age, height, weight, etc. I felt those questions were inconsequential compared to what I feel ladies need to know if they choose to use the overnight date card with WhyIsDaddyCrying.
Degree of halitosis: Somewhere between baby diaper and rotting corpse.
Diameter of space between teeth:
Degree of erectile dysfunction: Moderate unless I’m watching “Meerkat Manor” then I’m fine.
How many days in between your period: N/A. But every 28 days I cry into a Snuggie because I feel unappreciated & bloated.
Brain Size: A full 4 ¼ inches. Yeah baby.
Thickness of back hair: Let’s just say there better be at least 3 pool skimmers.
Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction & in terms of personality attraction. She’s got to have boobs, a butt and a face. Oh and hands and a vagina. She has to laugh at all my jokes and be smart and stuff. This is hard. No seriously it is. I’m like a pre-pubescent boy when I talk about boobs. Did I mention boobs?
How many serious relationships have you been in? 6
What happened to end those relationships? Came out as a lesbian, moved to Dikshit, India, attempted murder (her on me), rehab, eaten by a dingo and again, lesbianism.
What are your hobbies? I drink a shit-ton of beer, I love music, and I pleasure myself to pictures of Bea Arthur run. I also take zumba.
What is the unique talent of which you are most proud? I can fart the alphabet. I mean shart. I can shart the alphabet.
List the 3 adjectives that best describe you: Smoove, Phat and Foine.
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body? Yes.
Have you ever been married? Look a helicopter!
If yes, how many times? No, seriously isn’t it a prerequisite to arrive in a helicopter at least 3 times on “The Bachelor?” I assume you provide Depends Undergarments for men who have problems with high altitude and vibration?
Have you ever been divorced? Not yet but please, please don’t show this application to anyone who claims to be “married to me.”
Do you have any children? How is this relevant to me getting drunk and cliff diving with scantily clad women?
What accomplishment are you most proud of? Ugh. Shit. FINE! MY FAMILY. I am most proud of my beautiful wife and children.
Why would you be a great husband? Because, well…………read my blog.
Why are you America’s Most Eligible Bachelor? I’m not.
*In the end WhyIsDaddyCrying would realize no amount of free tail is worth giving up the amazing family he allows all of us to see glimpses of on his blog.
**Also you have to submit a picture and video. We all know after seeing that “gap toothed bastard” all we’d hear is women openly weeping and limo tires screeching.
