A few days ago the boy came down with a 102 fever.
Typically he man-handles the fever, throws it on the floor and tells it that “your mom’s so fat she wears a VCR as a beeper.”
But this time, the fever got the better of him and stuck around for a while.
So, the next day we call the doctor, set an appointment, and a couple hours later I’m on my way to get the boy looked over.
It was upon this journey that the he unleashed a fury questions that almost had me comatose, crying, and begging to just be put out of my misery.
Hell Hath No Fury Like 20 Questions Shotgunned From A 7-Year-Old
“What are they going to do to me daddy?”
“Take your temperature, listen to you breathe, listen to your heart, and probably…”
“Will I have to take my shirt off?”
“I don’t know buddy, probably.”
“And my pants?”
“I doubt it. You’re sick around your throat so I doubt they’ll…”
“I remember going to the doctor one time and I got down to my undies and then the doctor pulled them out and looked down at my pee-pee. And she was A WOMAN!!! Will I get a shot?”
“Yes, probably in the neck.”
“DADDY ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!!”
“No dude…I’m kidding. No, you probably won’t get a shot.”
“Will I ever get a shot again in my life?”
“Yes, we’ll be getting one as a family in the next few months before flu season.”
“REALLY? Will they do it in the arm or in the leg?”
“Probably in the leg, Grayson.”
“Will it bruise me?”
“I don’t know, but if you ask me another…”
“What causes bruising?”
“Well, the shot breaks the skin which injures it and causes it to bruise on some people. I think.”
“Do I have the flu right now?”
“No Grayson, I seriously doubt you have the flu. It’s not…”
“How do you know? You’re not a doctor?”
“Why did you ask me then?”
“Do you think mommy bruises?”
“I know she bruises dude. That’s why she’s always running away from me?”
“Because you bruise her? That’s mean daddy.”
“No…no…not like that. I meant…just, you know what, let’s listen to some music and just relax for a bit dude.”
“Will they have bathrooms there?”
“Seriously? You seriously want to know if they have…”
“What if I have to go boom boom while she’s taking my temperature?”
“Ok, now you’re just being ridiculous. Do you want me to stop and get you a diaper?”
“DADDY!!! NO!!! But…can we stop and make Macy wear one?”
“Want to play the quiet game with me?”
“Will my doctor be a woman?”
“Yes, all the doctors here are women.”
“Will they take my pants down?”
(I mumble) “No, but daddy might take his pants down if…”
“What daddy?”
“Nothing, I was just thinking out-loud.”
“About the doctor?”
“Yes Grayson…about the doctor…hey look…something shiny out the window!!!”
We arrived a short time later. This, my dear readers is one of many reasons why I sometimes fall asleep crying almost every night.
