So yesterday I was minding my own business…trying to come up with a new “fantasy slam” for my Twitter bud @IeatMyKizSnack when all of a sudden I read a tweet from her saying she’s become a fan of Justin Bieber’s bullshit, musical foulness.
I’d laughed so many times at her anti-Bieber tweets -- her bashing of the young, innocent buck in his juvenile journey through stardom. And now, a mere 48 hours after one shit-stained performance on SNL and the lady I looked-up to as a refreshing rogue Twitter-gal had turned into a Bieber-lover. I was heartbroken.
I came home, slammed the door shut, threw my stuff on the ground like a spoiled teenage brat and said to the wife, “This Bieber shit’s gone too far!!”
Wife: “What the hell is a ‘Bieber’?”
Me: “Justin Bieber!!! That two-bit hack of a human who’s this year’s poster-child for how incredibly horrific the music industry has become!”
Wife: “OK there geek music boy. Slow down, let me get you some beer and start over.”
Me: “No seriously, this prepubescent shit rolls up, makes some really horrific music on YouTube, wears his hat tilted to the left just so, and BAM! he’s got Simon Cowell wearing knee-pads and writing home to “mummy” about how he feels something “all tingly in me bits-n-pieces at night!”
Wife: “Wow…Oh shit, American Idol’s on right now. Hand me the remote!”
Me: “SEE!!! OK look, you know I love music more than anything, right?! Well…I mean, second to you…oh, and the kids…”
Wife: “Dear lord just finish…”
Me: “Just promise me you’ll never…NEVER play Justin Bieber or anything remotely shitty to our children without first running it by me? His lyrics are written for him, his ‘look’ is managed by an agent, his beats are produced by focus groups, and MTV probably owns 98% of everything he is. He represents everything that is wrong with music today!!”
Wife: “You really need to funnel your musical passion into something a bit more constructive!”
Me: “Just promise you’ll never play Justin Bieber or any other pop-bullshit to our children!”
Wife: “Your children may or may not have heard La Bouche the other day while I was taking them to school… I’m just sayin’!”
Me: “A piece of me just died.”
Wife: “I just want you to ‘Be My Lover.’”
Me: “I have to go see my therapist now. Just know that I’ll be talking about you.”
Wife: “OK honey. I’ll be asleep…so when you get home…have ‘Sweet Dreams!’”
Me: “Jackass…”
